Why Are We Like This? A Millennial’s Guide to Attachment Styles and Relationship Drama

Alright, so we’ve all been there – glued to our phones, waiting for that special someone to text back, or feeling personally attacked when they respond with just “k.” (Seriously, what does that even mean?) But, guess what? That emotional rollercoaster isn’t just random; it's Attachment Theory in action. Yep, that’s right! Blame science (and maybe your upbringing). Attachment Theory explains a lot about why we act the way we do in relationships. And here’s the plot twist: with a little work on your unconscious mind, you can actually shift from unhealthy attachment styles to healthier, more secure ones.

So, get comfy – let's break down the wild world of attachment styles, why our brains hold onto them, and how working with your unconscious mind can help you build a healthier love life.

What is Attachment Theory Anyway?

Back in the 1950s, psychologist John Bowlby developed the Attachment Theory, which basically argues that our early bonds with caregivers shape how we approach relationships later on. In simple terms: how you loved (and were loved) as a kid is probably affecting how you’re dating (or ghosting) today. Later, psychologist Mary Ainsworth jumped in with her famous “Strange Situation” experiment and categorized us into four main attachment styles. Let's meet our main characters and dive into how we can shift them!

The Four Attachment Styles (And Why We’re All a Little Messed Up)

1. Secure Attachment – The Unicorns 🦄

Securely attached people are rare, almost mythical beings who feel comfortable with intimacy and independence. They can have deep relationships without obsessing over every little text, detail, or social media “like.” These folks grew up with consistent caregivers and healthy boundaries, which explains why they’re so chill.

Typical Millennial Thought: “My partner and I trust each other, communicate well, and don’t need daily couple pics to prove it.”

Reality Check: If this sounds like you, congratulations! You’re the friend who people come to for dating advice…even if you’re lowkey judging the rest of us.

2. Anxious Attachment – The Overthinkers 🤯

If you’ve ever worried that your partner didn’t respond because they suddenly stopped loving you, welcome to the Anxious Attachment club. This style craves closeness but fears abandonment, often leading to thoughts like “Am I too much?” or “What did that emoji really mean?”

Typical Millennial Thought: “They haven’t texted back in 7 minutes. Should I send a follow-up meme? Maybe a cute dog pic? Or are they ghosting me?”

Reality Check: Anxious attachers are often labeled “needy,” but they just need a little extra reassurance. If you’re dating someone with this style, throw ‘em a “Good morning!” text once in a while. It’ll make their day (and probably save yours).

3. Avoidant Attachment – The Lone Wolves 🐺

The avoidantly attached are all about independence. They like their space and can feel overwhelmed by too much closeness or commitment talk. Growing up, they probably learned to rely on themselves and can struggle with opening up emotionally.

Typical Millennial Thought: “I mean, I like them, but I don’t need them. What’s wrong with leaving that message unread?”

Reality Check: If you’re avoidant, people might call you “distant” or “hard to read.” But deep down, it’s not that you don’t care; you just need a minute (or an hour, or a week) to process things. Pro tip for dating an avoidant? Don’t rush the “what are we?” convo.

4. Fearful-Avoidant (Anxious-Avoidant) – The Roller Coasters 🎢

Fearful-avoidants are like the will-they-won’t-they storyline that keeps you hooked on a Netflix show. They’re a blend of anxious and avoidant – craving intimacy but also being terrified of it. It’s a “come close but stay away” vibe, leaving everyone confused.

Typical Millennial Thought: “I really like them, but what if they hurt me? Should I break up with them first? But, no, I don’t want to lose them!”

Reality Check: If you’re in this camp, you’re used to feeling conflicted. When things are too good, you wonder if it’s real; when they’re distant, you spiral into anxiety. Fearful-avoidants often benefit from therapy to learn it’s okay to trust.

Can You Change Your Attachment Style? Yes! But It Takes Some Unconscious Work

Here’s the magic sauce: although attachment styles may feel fixed, they’re totally changeable. But it takes digging a little deeper into that unconscious mind where old fears, patterns, and beliefs are lurking. This is the part of the mind that clings to past experiences and creates default reactions in relationships.

Shifting to a healthier attachment style involves rewiring your brain’s beliefs about love, connection, and trust.

Here’s how:

1. Identify Your Triggers: Notice what sets you off, like a slow text response or needing more alone time. These reactions are often automatic, baked into your subconscious from past experiences. Becoming aware of them gives you a choice: to respond or to react.

2. Reframe Your Inner Dialogue: Your unconscious mind loves to interpret situations based on past hurts. By actively reframing thoughts like “They don’t care about me” to “I’m valuable regardless of a text” or “I’m safe in this moment,” you slowly create new, healthier patterns.

3. Use Techniques to Connect with Your Subconscious: Hypnosis, meditation, and affirmations are powerful tools for working with your unconscious. Hypnosis, for instance, can help you replace old beliefs around love and worthiness, teaching your mind that you deserve secure relationships. Similarly, EFT tapping can reduce anxiety around triggers.

4. Self-Soothing and Mindful Reactions: Instead of letting the attachment style control your emotions, practice self-soothing (think deep breaths, calming mantras, or even a nice iced latte). It’s about showing your brain that you can feel safe on your own.

   
   

Attachment Styles IRL: Swipe-Worthy or Red Flag?

Imagine you’re on a dating app. You’ve matched with someone who seems awesome, but understanding your attachment style (and theirs) can be a game-changer. If you know you’re an anxious type, maybe don’t go for the profile that says, “I’m not looking for anything serious.” And if you’re avoidant, maybe you don’t need the 24/7 texter who’s already naming your future pets.

Wrapping it Up: Loving in the Age of Attachment Awareness ❤️

Attachment Theory can feel like astrology’s cooler, psychology-backed cousin. But honestly, learning about your attachment style isn’t just about finding out why you text your crush seven times a day or why commitment freaks you out. It’s about working with your unconscious mind to let go of past baggage, create healthy beliefs, and maybe finally get off the merry-go-round of toxic patterns.

So, what’s your attachment style? And how are you shifting it? Drop it in the comments, or if you’re secure, just silently nod in agreement – I see you. Sara xx